josie_trout

A novel

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 16:23:48 GMT

“I’m not an amazing writer, but sometimes I think that I need to write about my stories and experiences I have gone through so that they can encourage me in the future, and maybe they will encourage my future family, and other generations to come. My first year of college has recently been completed. The whole process of leaving was a little painful because I was getting a new roommate, I was leaving an old roommate, I wouldn’t see my best friends again, and I knew I was going home to many challenges. While leaving campus I was crying, because I knew that it was going to be a long and hard summer.

When I got home I was in a bipolar state. I was happy to be home, but then there was the other complete extreme of unhappiness. I was unhappy with my relationship with my boyfriend because I did not feel that I was loved, I was unhappy with my parents because they still don’t trust me on some issues (they say they trust me, but in reality they are having a hard time letting me go), and I was unhappy with my relationship with God. After spending a week at home, I talked with my boyfriend, and he showed me that he couldn’t love me in the ways that I needed to be loved. It absolutely killed me, because I truly love him with all of my heart, and I wanted him to be the one who would make me happy. After nights of weeping, I finally told him that I couldn’t continue in the relationship because I needed to be happy, and I needed to find who I was. I believe it was the right decision, but I am still madly in love with him, and I still picture him in every part of my future. It’s hard to hold on to God’s will during these times, because I desperately want to run back to him sometimes and just be Josh’s world. It sounds funny and ridiculous, but it is how I feel. I have come under the realization that I need to trust in God. Surprisingly, I have a peace right now of not being with Josh, but at the same time I truly miss his love.

Also, my parents have been great and they are always supportive, and they pray for me and give me great advice, and they love me SO much, but they are still a little controlling. They tell me my curfew is twelve, but they stay up until I get home, and that shouldn’t be happening. I feel like a kid, and I come home extremely early because I don’t want mom and dad to be mad at me. It’s a sick world. I also want to go to Florida for my own personal VACATION, but I don’t think mom and dad will like that because Josh is my ex-boyfriend. Josh and I have been planning this forever, and it’s just not going to be fair. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Last, but certainly not least, there is my relationship with God. I feel distant from him, but at the same time I feel like he is closer than what I imagine. Sometimes I feel like he is with me, just waiting, but I don’t know whether or not I should run into His arms. It sounds crazy that someone wouldn’t want to run in God’s arms, but it’s a scary thing. The truth is that I am scared to run into them because I know in them I am going to have to change, and parts of me will be chipped off, and that He will call me to something greater than I can imagine. You are probably thinking, ‘What, she’s crazy! That’s the greatest part about God! Josie you should want to run!’ I know that I should want to be changed, but the changing process is scary. I want to be changed by God, but I am extremely scared. I know that His word says that I will be made new and that I will live a greater life in servant hood to Him, but I am scared.

The main reason I am nervous is because I feel like God wants me to know more than what I am ready to know or understand. I know that the previous statement didn’t make much sense, but just think about it for a moment. I feel like God has more for me to see, to know, to understand…things that will be scary, things that will be joyful, things that will hurt, things that will bring terror, things that will bring peace, things that will just completely change my life. It is terribly realizing that you truly believe in something bigger than yourself, but that you are afraid to use it and become a part of it. It’s not that I don’t believe, and it’s not that I don’t want to serve, because I do, I am just nervous about serving God knowing that I will see awful, and wonderful things.

I’m in a rut, and I want to get out of it. Today I was thinking to myself, ‘you know what Josie, you should pray more.’ And then I thought, ‘but Josie, maybe you shouldn’t pray if you don’t want to, because then you aren’t praying out of desire to pray, you are just praying because you are religious.’Right after I thought that it hit me really, really, really, hard that I was wrong. I don’t want to pray to God when I don’t mean it, because that is religious, but I should pray to God even when I don’t want to. I realized that, yes, I shouldn’t just pray prayers of hypocrisy to God, and I shouldn’t just worship him because it’s the right/righteous/holy thing to do, but that even when I don’t want to pray that is probably when we should pray the most. Even when we don’t want to worship, that is when I should be worshipping. I should be on my knees in prayer, even when I don’t feel like it, because by surrendering and getting on my knees I am inviting the presence of God to come at that moment to meet with me.

I also realized that it isn’t good to talk bad about people… you say, ‘Josie, duh.’ No, I am being serious. The book of James says that out of the same mouth people curse men, and praise God. The tongue is a poison. The small spark can set ablaze an entire forest and destroy it. I began thinking about all the things my silly tongue does, all the ways it talks ill of people, all the ways it has changed my life. When I accepted Christ into my life I used my tongue, when I broke up with Josh I used my tongue, when I sat in interviews for leadership positions on campus I used my tongue, when I talked terrible about other people I used my tongue, when I praised God I used my tongue; my tongue is living in a bipolar world. One moment I am praising God and asking him to bless me and change me, and the next moment I am talking terrible about another person when I truly don’t even understand them or their situation. I have been extremely convicted of it this week, and I am trying to break of my awful habits.

I want to change, I want God to change me, I hate being a hypocrite, I hate being lonely, and I hate feeling like I have no one to turn to. It’s been a hard three weeks, there have been a lot of lessons learned, there have been a lot of tears, there has been a lot of laughter, and there has been a lot of growth in my spirit. Hopefully later I can look back at this entry and see how my life is being changed. Hopefully, you who are reading this will be challenged and will understand something new about yourself. “

~Two and one-half months later~

Woah…it’s really amazing to go back and read the things that were going on through my heart. I still can’t believe how silly I was now. Right now I am extremely happy, I am so excited for Jesus to change me and make me a different person. I can’t wait to see those experiences of terror, humility, joy, unhappiness; just as long as Jesus is my focus and my joy.

This whole summer was actually one of the best experiences of my life. Isn’t that crazy? Here I was a couple months ago worrying and crying about everything, but now I am so at peace, and so content. Well, I’m kind of at peace, my bank account still scares me though…please pray for it L My family isn’t crazy, and they aren’t Nazis’, they love me and they protect me, and I appreciate their rules and their guidelines. After all, I am still kind of a kid in most eyes. On top of that, I couldn’t ask for a better friend than Josh, even though we broke up. I mean we still talk, and we have fun together, and he still makes me smile, and it’s great! I couldn’t be happier! I thought I would lose him for good, but I didn’t lose him, he’s still my friend, and I couldn’t ask for more.

On top of that, Jesus has completely changed my life, and I am no longer scared, I no longer have a desire to go back in any time in my life, because I just love my Jesus so much, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with Him J. I’m sure I’ll get lonely and discouraged, but God has given me more than I could ask for.

no matter what...

Mon, 12 May 2008 04:57:44 GMT

I hope that you always realize that I love you. No matter what others say, and no matter what others try to do, it is going to be impossible for them to tear me away from you.

Sometimes there is a bond so strong, it's like it's God given. I don't even know how to describe it. The greatest gift anyone can ever receive is love. Showing someone love, service, and faithfulness for eternity is a beautiful and powerful gift. It truly can change the world. Sometimes I am fearful that our love won't survive, but I know that it can, and I want it to. If something ever did happen to you, it would feel like half of me was dying with you. Knowing that you are alive and breathing reminds me that part of me is still breathing, and living.

No matter how many times we argue, no matter how many times we laugh, no matter how many times we cry, no matter how many times we will fight, no matter how many times we will pray, no matter how many times we will smile, no matter what...

I can never stop loving you, even if I wanted to...I could never stop.

The First Time

Thu, 08 May 2008 16:54:32 GMT

We're both looking for something
That we've been afraid to find
It's easier to be broken
It's easier to hide

Looking at you,holding my breath,
For once in my life,I'm scared to death,
I'm taking a chance,letting you inside.

I'm feeling alive all over again,
As deep as the sky, under my skin
Like being in love, she says
For the first time
Well maybe I'm wrong,
But I'm feeling right where I belong
With you tonight
Like being in love
Can feel for the first time

The world that I see inside you
Waiting to come to life
Waking me up to dreaming
Reality in your eyes

Looking at you,
Holding my breath,
For once in my life
I'm scared to death,
I'm taking a chance,
Letting you inside.

I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as the sky under my skin
Like being in love, she said, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Where I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time

We're crashing
Into the unknown
We're lost in this
But it feels like home

I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as the sky under my skin
Like being in love, she said, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Where I belong with you tonight
Like being in love can feel for the first time

Like being in love she said for the first time
Like being in love can feel for the first time

My voice

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 20:05:32 GMT

Ever since I was little I never used my voice. I never spoke up for myself when I was slightly hurt or discouraged. Instead, I would swim in loneliness and hurt.

I never wanted pity from anyone, I just wanted for people to see their faults and say sorry.

Now I wonder if I will ever use my voice. Even now I can not say what I am thinking inside.

Sometimes I know that I shouldn't say anything, and other times I know that I should speak up and say something. Sometimes I wish I could throw things at someone and get angry, but I never can. I guess that's a good thing, but at the same time I wish I could show some sense of the hurt I feel.

Some people say my hurt really isn't that bad...they say I have a good life and I shouldn't complain that much (truth is I don't think I complain that much, but maybe I do). Others are absolutely right in saying, "well, did you talk to them about it?" "did you voice your opinion?" I always say no...is it because I have no voice....

and if that is the case, how does someone find their voice...

I can speak about the LORD all the time, and tell of His power and love to others without a problem. However, when it comes to my personal relationships (family, friends, etc...) I can never speak...I am mute...I take the hurt and "get over it"

What is the right way to use our voice? I don't know...

spring break

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 17:53:38 GMT

So far Spring Break is going pretty well. The only bad part about Spring Break is that I have nothing to preoccupy myself with, and I am thinking too much. There's no TV, radio, or internet at home, so the only thing to do is clean and relax. Both of those things make me think way too much. I've come to believe that the one thing in this world that will destroy my life is my mind. Lately I have been thinking in the wrong ways. I have been thinking futuristic instead of thinking of the present circumstances.
I have been relaxing so much that my hyperness has almost left my body. It's so weird! I'm so used to being super hyper almost 12 hours of the day. Now that I have had time to actually sit down and reflect about things I have become quiet. Me...quiet? It's a weird concept. I am a laid back person, but I don't remember the last time I was this laid back. It kinda gets on my nerves and I don't know how to react.
Also, since I've been home I have seen so many old high school friends, and other people from my past. The whole weekend was just a tad bit overwhelming, but I'll get over it. Truthfully, I am glad to be home. I am happy to see everyone. Josh is getting back from D.C. and I can't wait to see him and talk to him for more than ten minutes. It will be great.
I should go do something I haven't done in awhile...see you...I'm going to go to practice the piano and go pray..

Mixed Emotions

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 13:54:25 GMT

I don't know how I should act towards them, I don't know how I should speak with them. Whenever I am in their presence I feel happy, and disgusted in different moments. They make me upset, and I don't know how I should act. My mask always seems to help make everyone else happy, sometimes the mask makes me feel happy. However, most of the time, the mask just makes me feel like I can't be myself, and that no one loves the person inside the mask. I am confident, I am myself, but I feel like I'm not being completely accepted, and I feel farther from God's presence when I immerse myself in their presence. When I am around them I don't desire to seek deeper things, only satisfactory things. I wonder if I will have the courage to speak up and be myself, and to not be ashamed of who I am with them. I used to think that I was just being silly thinking these kinds of things, but now I realize that these are real emotions, and little problems that keep adding up that I have to deal with. I don't want to be dramatic about it either though. It's so stupid to be dramatic about it, and say, "No one loves me, show me sympathy" that's not what I want, I just want to establish great friendships right now. I know I'm complaining, but I feel like I need to let it out.

Lessons of Life (lol)

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 03:37:53 GMT

Freshmen year is coming to a close and I can't believe it's almost over. I can't believe how much I have learned about myself as well. It seems like I have changed as a person since college, and I believe it's for the greater good.

First I keep finding what Christ means to me. Sure, you go to church every Sunday with your family, but going to church without any expectations upon you and seeking God's direction without the influence of your parents or old youth pastor is just really different.
I've also learned how much I take my parents for granted. They are really amazing, and they love me so much. No matter if I'm crazy hyper, super mellow, ticked off, or just happy, they still love me and enjoy every moment with me. I really miss them when I'm away. I miss moms hugs and her kisses. I miss talking to Dad over a cup of iced tea at the kitchen table. I just miss telling them all about my life, and I know they care and they listen and want to hear about me. They give great advice, and they love to just relax, and I need that.

I've also realized how much my family means to me. I love my sisters more than I love myself. I always take their presence and energy for granted, and I need to just spend more time playing Carmen Sandiego, or blocks with them. I miss our dance party's and our crazy laughing over stupid things that don't even matter. They're my soul mates and they're only nine :).

I've also found that it is good to meet new friends and to establish relationships with them. It's very hard though, but it is worth it. I love all the people I have met here at TU and I know that by the end of my four years here I will have some of the greatest relationships. I do miss friends from G-town though. Those people in G-town are just so funny, and great to be around. I can't help but relax and have a good time around them.

I've also learned more of myself as a person. I have found that I do have feelings, and that I do get angry. While at TU I have been trying to learn how to show people that I am upset, or disappointed. I'm still trying to find that balance, but I've realized that I do have feelings and that I should attend to them. I feel the same feelings with people at home too, and it's been difficult to show this new part of me that is more independent and the part of me that is more outspoken. I really want to tell others what I think in a righteous and good way, but it's still a little difficult for me to share my heart with others, even my parents. My heart is the one thing that is mine, and I'm so afraid of getting it hurt. I'm trying to put myself out there more, and I hope that I overcome my fears. It will take a lot of prayer and Godly direction, but I know God remains faithful to me.

I've also learned that I can be lonely surrounded by 25 girls. I have found that if I don't have my alone time, and if I don't have that time where I talk to a few close people to me that are from home I get super lonely and even being surrounded by people does not help me at all. Being lonely, and being alone is my greatest fear and it's something that I have had to battle big time while here at TU. I feel lonely everyday, and it's so hard to get through each day. Yes I have great friends here, but sometimes I get very lonely inside my heart. I don't want pity, because I know it's something that everyone goes through. I don't want to tell people all the time of my loneliness because I don't want to be a burden to them. It's hard sometimes though because I just want someone to ask and listen for awhile. I don't know if that would help take some of the loneliness away, but I guess it would be nice. I'm not being a hermit crab either, I'm not staying inside a shell. I know a lot of people in different places around campus, I've very social, I hang out with others a lot, but I still feel lonely inside. I really don't cry a lot anymore, because I'm never alone and I can't cry. Every opportunity I have to just cry I love to take it, and tears have healed my heart. I have had to learn to trust in God rather than man, because man fails me all the time, but only God can take care of my heart and loneliness. It is hard to just surrender to God but it is so worth it. I'm stil learning.

I'm also learning more about how to spend my money wisely. I know that sounds crazy but the reason I don't have any money is because I have to buy books, toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, laundry detergent, some food, water, etc...all the things that I never had to buy before because my parents provided for me I now have to buy. It's absolutely terrible. I go to the grocery store and I don't even buy the shampoo I want. I don't even buy junk food, I buy cheap crackers and juice or water. What sucks is that all the little stupid stuff that you need adds up and the money in your account is just sucked right out! And most of the time I don't even go to the grocery store, because it depresses me. It's pretty sad, but it's been a good lesson for me that's for sure.

In all I have just learned a lot about myself. I have learned that I have to love myself and be proud of myself. I have to remind myself of my beauty, my strenghts, my weaknesses, and I have to remind myself to keep following Christ even when I am emotionally suffering. So far it has been a good journey, it's been difficult, but it has been good.

Well time to go asleep and dream...

My reality

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 05:32:35 GMT

My reality=

Well I don't even know if I actually have a good sense of reality. I actually live for love and the impossible. God is just so big and great, and I just love to live in happiness and in His Spirit.

Love is such a beautiful gift to me. For instance, God's love story of my life is just so great so far! I can't wait to read the next parts of the story. I had this best friend, this boy that I could be so goofy and funny with, and at first I didn't choose him....

I chose this a stupid blonde guy, and Jesus taught me so much through that. Then I chose this other guy who was really nice, and a great guy. He showed me a lot, and love meant something different to me than ever before. I still cared for my best friend. He was always my best friend in my heart, but I felt like we were strangers with each other...BUT at the same time it was like we could look into each other's souls! Everytime I looked at Josh I felt like I could just see his heart, it was such a mystery to me; but of course, I kept dating this other guy. However, he wasn't the one for me either. He was nice, but he didn't really make me laugh, he was way too serious, really he just wasn't the one...

And then after we had broken up I was so alone....

I could tell no one of how I felt inside, when I went to church (the place where I felt home) it was as if I was walking into a terrible rush of emotions. It was so painful, I didn't like going to church. I could tell no friends of what was going on in my heart, not even my best friend. I could only tell my parents. My parents loved me, and they were there for me through it all...

I was so lonely, but at that moment I learned to put my whole being and soul into God hands. I trusted in Jesus, and I leaned on Him through everything. After all, He is my prince, my first love, the one who died for me, He is everything to me...

Months went by and I realized that God has always put Josh in my heart. I would tell myself that I didn't like him, I would tell myself that I didn't love him. "No, Josie, you don't like him, you can't..." but Jesus never let Josh leave my heart. Ever since the day Josh told me all that stuff about his life on that church bus I will never be able to get him out of my head.

I still remember all those days when we would just look at each other, and I always knew that we had something extremely special; however, I wouldn't allow myself to fall in love with him. Why wouldn't I fall in love with him? Really, it was so scary. Yes, you can get butterflies when talking with the opposite sex, but when talking with Josh I felt like he could see my soul. I never felt that way with any other guys, even my ex-boyfriend. Even after I hadn't talked with Josh for months, he would just look over at me, and I could just see something in his eyes. It scared me so much....

I wondered if these feelings, and emotions could be possible. Finally, I told myself I would be true to my heart. For so long I wouldn't be true to my heart, and to what I wanted. I let everyone else have what they wanted. Not anymore, I wanted Christ to be the center of my life, and I wanted to show Joshua Bryan Miller that I loved him. I knew that every other gorgeous women in the world loved him, but I wasn't going to allow them to get in my way anymore. I believe I did show him that summerthat I loved him, and I told him that I loved him before I left.
Now, through God's timing and grace, we're aware of our feelings for each other, and the love I feel with him is just so overwhelming for me.

Love is such an amazing gift...Christ's love...God's love....Josh's love...My parents love....My friends love...what next?

You should see us work together. We really are an amazing team. In TBQ we were the funnest peeps around! Everyone had a great time with us. We were christlike in our attitudes too. In our human videos we always did a great job. Probably because Christ was our focus and ultimate goal. With the kids, we would do so great at skits. We're just such a good team. I couldn't help but fall in love with him.

Even now he makes me smile, his personality and love is so wonderful and consuming! It's not even physical (although I obviously am physically attracted to him), it's kinda emotional and in a sense spiritual. Josh doesn't take the place of my Jesus (he never will), he doesn't take the place of my God, but sometimes I can feel Josh living right in my heart as well. I don't think I'm really a great girlfriend because I don't tell Josh all these things sometimes. I'm so scared of losing him. I haven't told him that I don't think, but I'm so scared to lose him. I've lost so much, and besides my parents he's the only thing that has remained stable and good in my life....
God's will comes first, and His ways are before mine, but I pray and ask God to give me grace so that I don't lose Josh. I pray for Josh so much. Whenever he called me at 3:00 in the morning I would get on my knees and pray. Some nights I would cry and pray for hours asking God to just comfort him and love him. My love can't complete Josh, only Christ's love can. When I notice he's upset, I just want to be there for him and tell him that everything will be fine. I can only pray, and I can only believe that God reminds Josh that He loves Josh very much. I want so much for this boy, is it possible to feel this way?

I've always wanted so much for him. When people made fun of him, or said ill things about him I would literally want to smash their faces against a wall, and make them suffer. It's as if sometimes I can feel his pain. I know that sounds weird, and I know that I probably can't understand what he goes through, but it hurts my heart and I feel so much pain when I know he's suffering. I hope he knows that I do love him so much, but I hope he knows even more how much God loves him, how much Jesus loves him. Jesus has been walking with him this whole time, and I know Jesus is so proud of him....
I hope Josh knows that he is my world...and that he lives in me forever....

What can I do?

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 02:25:55 GMT

This haunts me....
This is what I want to change. I realize that world hunger will always exist, but I just want to help this person. Is this a child, is it an adult, is it a girl, is it a boy?
They're hungry...I just want to hold them and tell them everything will be okay. I want to be a mother and take them into my arms, pray, feed them, cherish them, and let them know everything will be okay. I want to help them so much. Whoever took this picture I pray to God that they took care of this person. Look at the vulture in the background just waiting for his next dinner, and it's a human being. That could be my sisters, or my best friends there, it's a person...I'm so mournful looking at this.
I'm scared to do anything. Yes I am scared, because I want to go help this person, but I'm scared to go by myself. I know God is with me but I am still so scared to go by myself. I will go by myself if I feel God's calling so strongly, but I'm so scared too. I don't know what I can do...
I know that a God lives within me that can nuture and help this person, but I am doubting my role in this.
I don't know what God has called me to do, all I know is that my heart breaks for world hunger. My heart just tugs and rips in two when someone talks about how the world is starving. I think of all those little kids in Greencastle, Indiana who are starving and who don't have food tonight. They need to eat so bad, they just need me to hold them and make them some macaroni and cheese for super.
All the people who just want to eat a slice of bread, or just have a good drink of water. How selfish am I!? I have hot chocolate, and food in my room and someone even here in Upland, Indiana is starving tonight.
Oh God please help me, please help me....I'm so sorry that I haven't done anything, that I have been selfish. Please go to these people and give hope tonight, please love on them Jesus....Jesus what can I do?

broken

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 17:48:35 GMT

Is it ok to cry? Is it ok to be lonely? Is it ok to be mad at someone and just wish you could smack them? Is it ok to feel hurt and rejected? Is it ok to feel like the only person who you can turn to is just yourself now? I don't know what to do, I don't know how I should act, I just want to get away for just a little bit. I just want to feel loved for me, I just want someone to show some love to me. Is everything to good to be true?

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 02:26:26 GMT

"Some have wandered away from these and turned to meaningless talk. They want to be teachers of the law, but they do not know what they are talking about, or what they so confidently affirm." ~1 Timothy 1:6 &7

I'm starting 1 Timothy in my devotions now. I was doing Hebrews, (which is an amazing book), and I learned a lot from Hebrews. Before Timothy I considered myself a really good Christian. I believed that I knew Jesus, I believed that I knew God, and I took pride in my Christianity. Now, I have a change of heart. After reading the verse above it hit me so hard that I don't know Jesus. I realized that I talk out loud in the air and I just say my problems out loud. I don't seek to hear the voice of God. I just want to tell him my problems, and others problems so he will take care of it. I'm so upset with myself, because I have been acting so foolishly. God should be so angry with me for my mediocre and stupid faith.

I raise my hands, but I don't do it out of a pure and righteous heart. I raise my hands and I do worship God, but I don't give him my life when I do. I don't give him my heart in my hands and say, "Yaweh here is my heart, my life, change me, I am a sinner, I need you to change me" Isn't that what I should be saying? God change me for I am evil! No...instead I have been content in being mediocre. My attitude is all wrong. I am that person who has wandered away and is just saying meaningless talk, I want to be a leader, but I can't right now because I don't KNOW not just what I'm talking about, but who I'm talking about. I know the things of God, I know my Bible, but do I know him? Do I know the spirit of the living God? Have I encountered him lately? No, I haven't. Have I been trying to? No, I haven't.

Last night I read my Bible on my bed and I started crying because I realized that I didn't know Jesus, or God. I don't talk to them, and they are not the complete center of my being. I just looked at the moon, stars, sky, trees, and listened to the wind and cried out to God, "Adonai I don't want to talk to myself anymore! Can you hear me, I don't want to talk to myself! I need to hear your voice! Please speak to me!!! Please tell me something!! I believe you can talk to me, please talk to me!! Change my life!! God please speak to that boy with cancer let him hear your voice! God please speak to my family! God please speak to my friends!! God please speak to Josh! Speak to us God, we need to hear your voice, we can't make it anymore without you!"

I've realized that I just don't have the faith that I want to have. The older I am getting, the more I am seeing that I have to believe in Christ for myself. You say, "Duh Josie", but you don't understand. It's all that I grew up with in believing, and now I actually have to work even harder than before on this "relationship". I actually have to figure out for myself on why I love my God, and I actually have to live it out in this world of mediocrity, negativity, and cynicism. It's so difficult.

I've come to see that I have been content in letting people gossip, be dramatic, negative, and cynical. When in reality, we as Christians should not be this way!!! I want to get to know God, and Jesus like never before so that when someone is gossipping, or talking ill of other people that I will have the courage to step out and say STOP! I should not be content with evil things in my walk with Jesus. I just praise God that I have realized my evil. I know I will always have pride, but I am very happy that I found my true self last night.

I also had this revelation, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners---of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life." ~ 1 Timothy 1:15 &16 WOW! I am such a sinner, I do not do what Christ has told me to do. To have faith in him, to seek righteousness and the father, to go out into the world and my community, and many other things. Yet, although I am a sinner Christ has mercy on me to show his glory through my sad and stupid life. Of course, I can never reach perfection. It's impossible. However, it's not impossible for me to be satisfied, it isn't impossible for me to want to be righteous in Christ, it isn't impossible for me to desire to hear his voice, and it isn't impossible for me to actually hear his voice either. I still remember the first time where I truly felt God upon me, and I remember the first time where I know God told me something. I heard it out loud, and it was so overwhelming.

It's been a constant struggle with my identity. It's a battle to find out who you truly are, but I'm learning more about who I am and who I want to be everyday.

Something else that happened this week that I wasn't ready for was that I realized how many qualities of Africa I have inside of me. We were talking about Africa in International Studies class today and we were talking about west african culture. Specifically in the places where I lived. Statistics show that West Africans are positive people, and that negativity is not accepted. They are extremely hospitable, they hug others who they just meet, sometimes even kiss them, they do not like to talk politics when first metting someone because it is rude, they expect you to stay at their house many hours after a meal, when you come to visit they bring out the food/drink, they love dancing, and they are very expressive. It was like when my professor was reading off these things I could see myself in every one of them. Unfortunately, I'm going back into this rut where I don't know my identity. I am an American, and I have many American qualities, but sometimes I see that I am different, and I can't explain that difference inside. Sometimes it's like I can hear the beating of the drums in those hot nights. The rthym of the drums goes with the pounding of my heart, I can see the people dancing, and I smell Jungle. Just the other day I ate some meat, and it tasted just like meat in Africa I was silent for the rest of the meal and just ate quietly. One day I swore I could smell the flowers I smelt in Senegal walking to school. It's been so different. Many people tell me that I am different, "Josie never change, you're different." Is it because African culture is a part of me? Where do I belong? Actually I know I belong wherever God puts me. It's just been very interesting, and reflective. I want to go back one day and just see it, smell it, and feel it all again....

This is what has been going through my head...

Sick...tired...going...know...

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 23:22:01 GMT

I'm sick...
I'm sick of being negative
I'm sick of other's being negative
I'm sick of having to listen to negativity
I'm sick of dwadeling in my own negativity
I'm sick of not being the person that Jesus wants me to be
I'm sick of not having a true smile this week
I'm sick of not showing joy

I'm tired
I'm tired of trying to please others when I end up hurting myself
I'm tired of being looked down upon because of my stupid actions
I'm tired of listening to the lies the enemy keeps telling me concerning myself and my loved ones

I'm going...
I'm going to be different
I'm going to change
I'm going to dwell in the presence of God
I'm going to hide God's word in my heart
I'm going to believe in something bigger than myself
I'm going to be positive
I'm going to live a life worthy and pleasing to my God
I'm going to grow in the Lord
I'm going to seek peace, joy, goodness, faithfulness, patience, self-controll and righteousness
I'm going to be a history maker
I'm going to be my whole trust, not half, fourth, eighth, three-fourths, NO, my whole entire trust in Jesus Christ

I know...
I know he will provide for me
I know he is alive in me
I know that he has great plans for me
I know that in him I find my strenght and peace

I do not want to be a stumbling block for others. I want and desire spiritual maturity. I will serve Jesus, and live a life that he wants me to live. My speech will be better for him, my actions, my thoughts, I desire for them to be righteous and not negative...I want more than this world can give me...

Reflective

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 02:03:31 GMT

Wow, what a day. I thought about stuff so much today. I read my Bible and it just amazes me how much I live for myself instead of others. I'm reading Hebrews and I was reading how Christ said, "you weren't satisfied with burnt offerings and I said, 'Here I am, use me'" wow...

Since I've been coming to college I have had to shape what I believe about God and Jesus. My theology is being shaped I guess you could say. I don't use what Daddy or Mommy says anymore, I have to read and study my bible and think for myself. It's hard to pray, even at a Christian school. It seems like you are never alone to pray to your God. I don't like it. I always wonder now, what is the best way to pray, or how should I go about doing this. Then I realized that I should just be like a child and talk to my daddy. It was very refreshing.

I also thought a lot about my relationships with my boyfriend, family, and friends today. I'm not one to analyze myself and emotions, but I took a step back today and observed myself. I should do it more often. I also found that instead of complaining about what is going on in my heart all the time I should just believe that after I have given Christ my burdens that he is going to help me with it. I don't have to tell every living person what is going on in my life, and my emotions, all I have to do is give it to God and tell a godly friend that I would appreciate their encouragement and prayers. I guess a lot of lessons were learned this week.

I also discovered that I am smart. I don't give myself a lot of credit, but I am smart. Granted I don't know a lot about the parts of speech, (I didn't grow up learning the English parts of speech. I knew how to read and write in French before English. This is why I get confused and can't write very well in English). However, I found that I am smart. I realized that I am sometimes one of the only people who discusses things in class, and actually has the guts to speak up. I also found that I do know a lot about the world, which I think counts for something. I take really good notes, and I am a very hard worker at school. I don't know, I guess it was just nice to see that I am smart in my own little way.

I'm still having a little trouble in my heart, but it's nothing that Jesus and a great godly friend can't get me through. If he can lead me through storms, and fire, then he can take me anywhere. I can do anything through Him, and I can do it with inexpressible joy! JOY, what a word. Not to just put a smile on your face, but to actually have one plastered all over you because you have so much love and grace in your heart. Wow, I want more of it.

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 05:42:57 GMT

This J-term here at TU has been so reflective for me. I feel as though I have been seriously spiritually and mentally challenged like never before.

I know it might seem crazy, but I really struggle with self confidence and I second guess myself all the time. Lately I have been comparing myself to other girls, and I've been thinking, "Omygosh, they are gorgeous..." or "Look at them, what do people see in me?" I know it sounds pathetic, but lately I don't think I'm beautiful. I look at pictures of people on facebook, and myspace and think that they are absolutely beautiful, and I wish I could look like that, or get some attention that they get.

The worst part is I guess that I don't have a friend that I can tell this too, I just want someone to listen for awhile, and give me godly advice. I don't want the normal "Josie, you are so beautiful. You have no idea, God made you too and that makes you even more beautiful." I know that, but I just need someone to listen and just give me a hug sometimes. I'm also afraid to talk to others because I don't want them feeling as if I am complaining when I have no right to complain.

Finally last night I looked in the mirror and talked to myself ( I know sounds foolish, but it was totally healed my hear). I told myself all the physical beauty that I had, and then I talked about my spiritual beauty. It was so relieving. It was as if I was finally seeing who I was, no one else was telling me how beautiful I was, but I just felt inside that I could see some beauty in me. And instead of shedding tears of pity, shame, or sadness, it was tears of joy. The joy of seeing a glimpse of me beautiful. I don't know why it's hard for girls to know they are beautiful. Maybe it's because men are just really visual and girls want to make sure they satisfy that, which is wrong, but it's like this never ending competition and it gets to hurt me sometimes. I know it's something I will always struggle with, but I try to keep reminding myself that God has made me a specific way and that I should be content with the body that he has given me and use it for his glory. It's hard to do though.

Also, I keep having problems with my past. My dreams make me think too much about things that don't matter anymore. I have a lot of pain from certain people, and it's very hard for me to let it go. I have been hurt, and I feel like I am being watched, and analyzed, and I feel as if someone is building on all the terrible things they can say against me. They are terrible thoughts that the enemy is using against me. Surprisingly, I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone who really would understand, so I called my Dad. My Dad and I talked on the phone for almost 30-45 min. and his advice was so encouraging. He told me, "Josie, you know what? I kill so many brain cells on people who have hurt me, and I allow myself to think about how they are hurting me, and I have decided that I am not going to kill anymore brain cells on people who don't love me. Instead I am going to produce more brain cells by being around people who love and trust me." He also said that instead of looking at the bad in people all the time I need to stop and see the good in them, no matter how much pain they may have caused me. And you know what? He's right. I feel as if I have been surrounding myself by people who see the bad, but they don't try to see the good, or they don't try to make things good. Instead we allow ourselves to think negatively about others even when they do hurt us.

Lastly, this week was hard because I felt lonely. Someone on my wing asked me, "Josie, who is your best friend?" I kinda looked at her and she repeated the question to me again, "like, you know, your best girl friend from home or whatever?" I really wanted to cry, because I don't have that. I feel like I can't have just one girl that I can confide in because every time I try to they end up leaving me, or moving away, or they end up being a terrible influence to me, and they end up hurting me. I just don't know what to do. I am becoming really close to a girl at school, but one of my other friends is also close to her and she keeps her around her finger, and it's like she guards her sometimes. I don't want to cause drama between anyone.

I have a bunch of different girls that I can tell things to, but I don't have just one specific person. And who knows, maybe that is God's will. I'm not sure. When I was talking to my Dad on the phone he said, "Josie, your mom is the best friend I have ever had. My best guy friends left, but your mom has always been there and has supported me." My mom says the same thing about Dad. I guess, that it's always been that way for me too. Josh has been my best bud for five years, and he still is my best friend. I just want my parents have, and I am satisfied with that. Sometimes I wonder if I really need a best girl friend, or if I'm ok just having girl friends...I just don't know. The other part of me is so excited for my sisters to grow up so we can become best friends and talk about everything together. We already talk a lot, but of course there are things we can't talk about due to their age. I'm really hoping they will be the godly women who will always be there for me through everything.

Really, it was just the enemy this week working his toll on me. He kept trying to drag me down with my appearance, character, friendships, past, and my soul. He made me feel ugly and unloved, which I know is not true. It is hard to remind yourself of the truth though. However, I want to be Wonder Woman and have truth surround me wherever I go. No one will want to be around me if I don't surround myself in Jesus. I finally realized that I don't need anyone in this world, just as long as Jesus is the center of my focus. I know that if I live for him first that he will give me love, confidence, and the encouragement that I need. It's a mental battle I have to fight everyday. Jesus help me.

The Diary of a Young College Kid

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 18:33:41 GMT

She pulled up to the drive and her heart stopped. Looking up at the old brick college dorm she wanders, “Is this what I have been waiting for my entire life? This is what I have been working my butt off for?” Walking inside she put on a smile, but inside she was super scared of everything going on. People smiled, “Welcome to Taylor” they looked like clowns! Happy faces, ewwwww, no! My heart is breaking. Stop smiling please. “Hi welcome to Taylor, here let me help you carry your stuff to your room!” Inside her head she is thinking… “You know where my room is?” She gets in her room, it’s hot and stuffy. “I’m going to die!” Her roommate gets in they smile, the parents help settle them in. The first night in the room they start crying and want to go home. Her roommate doesn’t want to stay here, and quite frankly neither does she. Her heart was just given to a wonderful boy back home, her family was all she’s ever known, and she has so many loved ones back there…. “No God please, take me away, save me!”

The present:

College, what does the word mean…hmmmm….CHAOS, BORING, DRAMATIC, FUN, GREAT, TERRIFIC, TERRIBLE, GROSS, YUCKY, SMELLY…there are no words to describe what it does to you. First off, college just makes your maturity level decrease, and your brain decreases too. Professors make you become “specialized” and you forget the fundamental mathematics, English, and scientific concepts that you learned over the past 12 years. College makes you crazy actually. Look at all the great people in high school who went to college and all of a sudden they get wasted, drunk, pregnant, whatever…the list goes on. So is it a curse, or a blessing? If you think about it college is expensive, you become specialized in a certain field and earn money from your job out of college, but then you have to pay back for college, and then after that all of a sudden the government has created new technology and your specialized field is no longer a job anymore because robots and machines took over. Now you have to go back to school and get more education and pay back for that schooling, and it is just another cycle. So I ask is it a curse, or a blessing? Who really knows? I also ask, what is life? Before college I thought that I had life figured out, haahahahahaha, nope! Not anymore! Life is confusing now, actually, before college I wanted to get married as soon as school was over, (which is fine, but it's not a big deal anymore, I'm patient) but I wanted like five kids, now I think I just want one or two. Honestly, because I don’t want to have to pay for them and surrender my life to them. I know, sounds crazy. I don’t know what I want anymore, crazy. Funny how college is supposed to teach you want you want in life, and yet it just makes you even more confused. L And how do these freshmen girls and boys already start having boyfriends and girlfriends that go to their university after just four months!? Are they serious? Holy cow! No thanks, not for me. I need to know someone for a long time. They’re already spooning, gross! No thanks! I’ll take my boyfriend that I have known for a while. Urghh! College also gets you frustrated when you’re really good friends are younger than you. That gets really tough! They are doing all this stuff at home, and you realize what life is like out of that bubble. You want them to enjoy the life outside of the bubble with you, but they can’t! They have to stay in high school. It stinks, but you can’t help it, because they are still going through high school, and one day it will be there turn to go off on their own. You just hope that they get out of Putnam County for at least one year. Just go, leave, find somewhere else! Live the experience! It’s fun! But then again, college isn’t the real world either. It’s actually farthest from the real world. Especially when you are living on campus because you don’t have chores, you don’t have a steady job outside of school, and you don’t have any responsibilities except yourself and homework. Sounds great right? Yeah, pretty much until you come home and are expected to do something. It is really, really hard to get out of the routine. Oh well, I guess I’m just this girl who is stuck. She doesn’t know where to go. She still feels called to her home church, and yet she feels called to her school. She doesn’t know where HOME is anymore. She’s a little confused, because she wants to live in the present, but she still wants to keep her friends from back in the day. But is that what she is supposed to do? She doesn’t know? She’s lost…she loves this boy with all of her heart, but he’s not with her. He’s back there...what to do? How does she say that she wants to live life with him more than with anyone else, but yet they are far apart? How does she keep him in heart forever and keep content with not seeing him often? L How does she say what is in her heart? Or does it even matter? There are other people all across the world who are dying and they are in need of Jesus, and here she is moping. How pathetic is that! She wants everything in the world, she wants life to be perfect, but it will never be perfect for her. It will always be a pain. Life will never be easy, and she is beginning to understand that. The song More Than Useless by Relient K comes to mind. “What’s the purpose, feels worthless…when I think that I can’t do this you remind me that I am a little more than useless and I might do something right for once…"Yep basically! Ahhhh…oh well. She just goes on, keeps her mouth shut, puts her heart in a box and stares at it, she doesn’t say how she feels, she never does. How can she? She doesn’t know how? Will someone come by her way and teach her how to express her thoughts? Can someone save her? She just hopes that Jesus comes by and brings someone to her to help. She needs help, she needs to have fun, she needs to feel loved, and she needs to express herself. She just always feels that when she expresses her feelings people just take it lightly and say, “me too” or “ya” She feels like people don’t take her seriously when she shares. Is she awkward for people? She hopes not. She wants Jesus to take her life and make it focused on him. In him she finds peace, love, and joy, no pain or sorrow. She wants to do so much, but will people take her seriously? She wants to do camp ministry, she wants to be that woman who opens her arms to others, and ministers and serves children, teenagers, married couples, the handicap, pastors, women, men, singles, senior citizens, everyone! She wants to be involved in world issues, she wants her and husband to be such a power couple in Christ. She prays for that almost every day. She wants to teach her children how to be great. She wants to be like Hannah crying out for God to bless her with a child, and then she wants to give her child to the God's plan. She wants more than just to be normal, live in a house, be married, and have kids, sure sounds nice. She wants more than that. She wants to open up her home to others, she wants to marry and have children and together as a family they will do great things together for the name of Jesus. Does it sound too good to be true? Some say she is crazy, life can never be that great. She knows times will be rough, but why not try to get the best right? She thinks too much….

chocolate

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 04:43:53 GMT

Ok...if this is a journal then I am just going to let it all out on the table. No one knows what goes on in my head! No one! Everyone always says, "Josie is perfect...Josie is so cute awwww look at her....Josie is so sweet....Josie do you ever say anything mean?....Josie I love you!" WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP PLEASE! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT! You know what, I try to love people, I try to be nice, but I'm tired of everyone putting such high expectations on me when I can't even love myself sometimes! I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. Before I left for college I knew exactly who I was, I knew who I loved, I knew the things that I wanted, I felt like I understood life and now I have no idea who I am. No clue! I feel like I have completely lost myself. AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT ALL I NEED TO DO IS RUN TOWARDS GOD! I already know that and I am doing it. But it doesn't change the fact that I am lonely and depressed up here. I put on a smile because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I have to deal with my own problems, I don't want others to think I'm complaining, I don't want to be a burden...I want to cry but I can't anymore. I want to be able to scream at someone and tell them how I feel but I can't because I feel like I'm complaining. I desperately want to tell certain people the ways I feel inside but I can't because I don't want to hurt anyone. I want everyone to be happy, but it seems that by my doing that I have only made myself unhappy and depressed. I can't play this game anymore...

random

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 21:49:16 GMT

Well...here goes nothing. I hope this journal helps me pull out all of my wavering thoughts out of my mind. I hope it helps heal up some things in my life. It's not like anyone is going to read these anyways.Today was good...it was college...I love college...I do...I just get tired sometimes. I feel like I am at this stage in my life where I want to grow up but at the same time I want to stay a kid forever. Sometimes I feel caught between people too. I mean I normally am a person who tries to love everyone besides their mistakes and how they act all the time. Someone has to love them right? But sometimes my other friends just bash them, and talk about them and I agree with what they say but I want to defend the other person at the same time. Granted people do get on my nerves but I desperately try to look from their perspective and to connect with them. It's so hard to do that at college sometimes though because you live with these people! I mean you breathe their air, you see them everyday...you can't get away from them. I wish I had my car sometimes too...just so I could get away and find myself again. There's something about being alone sometimes...where no one knows who you are...you feel like you begin to understand who you are a little bit...it's a weird feeling. I mean I don't want to be lonely, but I do want times where I can just be by myself without anyone coming up to me. And then there's studying and AHHHHHHHHHH! Sometimes it gets so frustrating!!! I don't miss home so much anymore, granted there are those times where everyone tells me of all this great stuff they are doing there and I am happy for them. I guess it's just life and I get over it. I know I can't be with them and I try not to think about what they are doing all the time. I try to focus on what goes on here, sometimes it's hard though. And what's the worst is when someone from home starts talking to you about a terrible situation they are going through and you just want to be back at home handing them tissues and holding them. But I can't do that, I have to let someone else do it and it has been a little hard. Everyone here is great. They are all very supportive and wonderful. I know that they pray for me when I ask for them to and I know that their love is sincere, but sometimes it just seems all too good to be true. Life seems too sweet right now. Isn't that weird? I shouldn't be complaining...I mean a lot of people are going through terrible things right now and I'm not, but I just want to feel like I'm living. I don't feel like I'm living right now. I feel like I am going through the motions everyday. Wake up, brush teeth, take a shower, run to class, go to chapel, lunch, class, nap, study, computer, dinner, movies......allalalalalalalalalalalalala. It's all the same, all the time! I need something different, I know I'm complaining but geeze it's so frustrating sometimes. I shouldn't complain so much, I mean at least I even have the opportunity to even go to college and get an education. I'm doing good in classes though. I have mostly A's and maybe a few B's. I wish it was all A's though, I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I just want to be excellent. I mean I am going to college to be able to support my future family, and do what God wants me to do so I should do the very very best that I can, but I don't want to be a person with no life except books. I'm ranting...I should just stop. At least it's the weekend and things will be a little different.